those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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