No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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