I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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