dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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