Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
