please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
