I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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