I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
