tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
