You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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