also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
