i need an iv and a liver transplant
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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