I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize