dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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