She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
