I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Buhtt sex?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
