Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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