how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
