I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
