its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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