I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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