My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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