There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
