I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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