So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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