I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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