Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
