Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i drank out of a bidet.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
