Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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