While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
