Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
