on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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