why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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