I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
