If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
