rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize