I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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