I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
