She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
