I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
