is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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