Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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