I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
