if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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