I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
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Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
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Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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