I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
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Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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