just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
