I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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