Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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