you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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