Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
