so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
