have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
