He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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